Healing the Mother-Daughter Relationship: An Interview | HuffPost
Your Questions on Mother-Daughter Relationships your daughter needs and loves youyour partner, a friend, your therapist, your mother?. Unlike the daughter of an attuned mother who grows in reflected light, the unloved Since I'm neither a therapist nor a psychologist, the names I've given them aren't But the big question for Eileen was this: “I could never understand why my. How does a mother grow close with her daughter? Really Needs You to Ask Her - So how do you develop a close relationship with your daughter? Family Conversation Starters Printable Play Therapy Activities, Family Reunion Activities .
How do you help strengthen the bonds between Chinese- Korean- and Vietnamese-American daughters and their immigrant mothers? The cultural and intergenerational differences can be enormous. Creating experiences and sharing stories in an intergenerational group offers a way to strengthen bonds among daughters and immigrant mothers.
Daughters want their mothers to get what it means to be first-generation Americans, while mothers want their daughters to respect them and their home culture. In a group, mothers and daughters have the support of peers who "get it," which makes it easier to stretch across the enormous differences in their lives toward bicultural fluency and connection.
One way to do this might be a Mother-Daughter Club, in which daughters share something they love about American culture with their mothers, like taking them to an amusement park, alternating with mothers sharing something they value about their culture, like how to properly cook pho. As the group gets to know one another, moms and daughters can investigate similarities and differences between American culture and the mothers' native cultures in terms of family, individuality, privacy, respect and so on.
How do parents show their love for their children in each culture? What are the responsibilities of a daughter in each culture? What are the expectations for women? Going beyond the public aspects of culture like food, language and music to understand the nuances of "deep culture" greatly enriches mother-daughter understanding.
How can a mother-daughter bond survive a serious moral conflict, such as when a gay daughter comes out to a mother religiously opposed to homosexuality? Fearing loss of mother-daughter connection is excruciating.
15 Insights on Improving Mother-Daughter Relationships
Every mother-daughter relationship is founded on particular values, such as unconditional love, honesty, mutual respect or compassion. In times of conflict, a mother or daughter can ask, What values are most important to us in our relationship? What does it mean to be true to these values in our relationship while also being true to other moral values? Mother-daughter bonds can survive serious conflict because unconditional love trumps every other moral value.
We can count on painful differences with our mothers and with our daughters.
Nurturing connection across difference while staying true to our deepest values takes courage, maturity, patience and support. On a practical level, it means calmly stating one's truth, such as being gay, and staying present while resisting getting defensive or arguing, even if the other person is screaming at you. In fact, you can count on the other person being really upset and trying to get you upset.
Your Questions on Mother-Daughter Relationships : NPR
This is why you need support before, during and after! The calmer and clearer you are, the faster and easier it will be for the other person to hear and accept what you are saying, but it will still take time, sometimes a lot of time.
In the meantime, stay connected with people who love you just as you are. Does the same dynamic exist between single-parent fathers that have daughters? Can you recommend resources for single-parent fathers who may also experience similar issues? What do I do to strengthen my relationship as a sole parent? Yes and no to the first question.
Your daughter isn't worried she is going to grow up and be you, so her scrutiny of you will be less fraught.
You are less likely to be caught up in expectations of perfection and deference that harm girls and women. On the other hand, you may feel isolated as a single-parent father, with fewer opportunities to connect with other parents. At the same time, like all teens and parents, your daughter is getting social pressure to ditch her "clueless" dad and you're hearing you're supposed to pull away.
In addition, when she's hurting from feeling left out or ugly, she's going to be angry with the person she knows will still love her even if she slams her door in his face.
Reach out to other parents who share your values and concerns and start a Parenting Teens Club that includes parents-only time to swap information and stories, and parent-teen times to have fun and talk about issues.
Including women will foster great conversations with the girls, who need same-sex adults in their lives. In addition, create regular one-on-one father-daughter time for doing something she likes — going out to breakfast, looking at the stars, rollerblading. And be sure to give yourself time for what replenishes you. There are a lot of resources for dads of daughters.
Do you believe that the framework you established in this project is transferable to mothers and sons?
Clearly there are very different dynamics in each of these groups—what would need to be adjusted in your protocol? Are you aware of anyone who has established a father-son or mother-son group? Yes, I believe the framework of creating an intergenerational community to foster parent-child connection transfers across genders!
But a panoramic lens provides a much wider view, letting us see the object in a larger context. Mintle views forgiveness as key for well-being. Balance individuality and closeness. It can be challenging for daughters to build their own identities. Sometimes daughters think that in order to become their own person, they must cut off from their moms, Mintle said. Both are clearly problematic.
But daughters can find their voices and identities within the relationship.
15 Insights on Improving Mother-Daughter Relationships
We learn how to deal with conflict and negative emotions through our families, Mintle said. Mintle and her mom had a positive relationship but sometimes struggled with this balance. When Mintle was a well-established professional in her 30s, her mom would still tell her what to do. Then, she realized that she had to talk to her mom in a different way.
The next night her mom said the same thing, Mintle used humor: Moms and daughters disagree on many topics, such as marriage, parenting and career, and they usually try to convince the other to change those opinions, Cohen-Sandler said. Moms feel threatened and rejected that their daughters are making different decisions.
Daughters think their moms disapprove of them and get defensive. Stick to the present. It becomes their default disagreement. Talk about how you want to communicate. In my practice I hear many daughters from around the world share similar stories about having an instinctual knowing that their mother's hurtful behavior stems from their mother's life experiences, rather than from them being bad daughters. This doesn't mean that being criticized by your mother isn't emotionally hurtful or harmful.
Like Gayle, these daughters find that their instinctual knowing helps them in their journey to find out why their mother is so critical of them.
I have found that the underlying cause of mothers being overly critical of their daughters is mothers being emotionally neglected; their needs, feelings, thoughts, and desires not being understood or inquired after. I see countless mothers and daughters hurting each other because in their family, women's emotional needs do not matter. This lack of emotional caring causes mothers and daughters to fight. It causes daughters to be overly responsible for their mother's needs, and mothers to be unable to hear what their daughter needs from them.
And this theme is generational. It is passed down from mother to daughter. The answer to healing this generational pattern is not, as Gayle said in her interview, to criticize mothers.